Last night Dayna brought home some strawberries for me to have. He washed them and placed them on a plate. I truly felt like a princess when they were brought to me...these amazing small morsels of God's candy - fruit! They tasted so good! The challenge came in when I was finished. I had just activated the launch sequence...I was eating again!!!
After four days of not eating I was in trouble. I wanted to eat...I wasn't hungry....it just felt so good to eat. This does have a happy ending...I did eat a couple things I wasn't supposed to: three bites of plain tuna (in water), a few slices of cucumber and two dill pickle slices.
It was funny though. Even though I only ate very low calorie, healthy items, I still felt like I had blown it. I suck, I'm a failure, I can't do this and many of my other favorites that I turn to. Over the evening I had to walk myself through the mental process of...I am human and I make mistakes...I made good choices and learned how difficult the eating was for me. One of the things I have been saying to myself during this time is why didn't I just do it at a slower pace. There are so many different diet and meals plans out there that I have tried. I keep thinking maybe that would be a better way to go. Now I know the answer...I cannot control managing all my food. The shakes are great for me. I will only have to think about food once a day (much easier for me than three times - at this point).
This brings me to today...I am feeling better as far as my headache goes. I do feel sad from time to time when it hits me that my relationship with food can never be the same. It kinda hits me out of the blue and I feel a sense of panic...I know it sounds crazy....That is when all my fears gang up and try to tackle me.....I am still working on learning how to manage that....
Okay one more eating thing...I had a can of black beans this afternoon (it has been two paragraphs since my last confession)...I know it was a healthy choice, but I couldn't stop myself (okay wouldn't, but it felt like couldn't). I went to drop Ellie off at practice and I battled in my head all the way home.....I knew there were wheat thins in the cupboard. They are sixteen crackers for 140 calories...driving home I thought I'll just have 16 crackers....now who am I kidding....16 = rest of box.
So I decided to come home and have my last shake (5:30pm), go up to my office and work, drink 64 ounces of water, catch up on my food journal and go get Ellie at 6:45pm. I am going to take one of our dogs, be in tennis shoes and have our jackets, so we can park the car when we get home and go for a walk.
All in all great success so far....next workout...tomorrow morning (oh by the way I am having trouble scratching my nose because my arms are so sore!!)
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